


A thousand lifetimes

by Dalankar



Category: Super Junior
Genre: EunHae, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-27
Updated: 2013-03-27
Packaged: 2017-12-06 16:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/737627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalankar/pseuds/Dalankar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hyung, I'm gonna marry Hyukjae," Donghae says.<br/>Sometimes life doesn't work out the way we want. But for Donghae it only has to work out just once. Because he only wants this one thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A thousand lifetimes

**Author's Note:**

> Hyukjae's birthday story: II

**  
**

**A thousand lifetimes**

 

"Hyung, I'm gonna marry Hyukjae," Donghae says, pulling insistently at Heechul's arm. Heechul nods absently, "Of course you are," he says, not looking up from his phone.

 

"Hyung!" Donghae tries again, louder. "Hyung, listen," he pulls at Heechul's hand again, this time succeeds in pulling it away from typing on the phone. Heechul sighs and turns to Donghae.

 

"What?"

 

"Hyung, I'm serious!" Donghae insists, eyes wide and sincere. "I'm gonna go down on one knee and everything. And get him a ring that'll say ‘Donghae loves Hyukjae forever’. And you can sing 'Marry U' in the background. Sungmin hyung can plan the wedding because he'll want to and we'll invite everyone and Jungsu hyung will cry and Donghee hyung will eat too much and Hyukjae and me will drive off into the sunset. It'll be perfect, hyung," Donghae sighs happily, eyes fixed beyond the ceiling, watching the sun setting somewhere in his perfect world.

 

Heechul wraps his fingers around Donghae's hand, "Donghae-ah," he says gently, "Be careful with these dreams."

 

Donghae blinks at him. "I am, hyung. I've decided that this is the only thing I'll ask from god. I've made a deal, you see? I'll only ever ask god for one thing. Ever. He just has to keep his end of the deal and I won't bother him ever again."

 

Heechul wants to laugh, wants to tell Donghae he's been spending too much time with Siwon. But he doesn't. Instead he takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the burning behind his eyes.

 

"Donghae-ah, when you get married," Donghae turns to him with the brightest smile Heechul has ever seen, "I get to give you away, okay?"

 

Donghae leans closer to touch their heads together, sniffling quietly. "Hyungie, how can it ever be anyone else?"

 

Heechul feels the tears sneaking past his eyelids and curses these kids for turning him into a blubbering mess like this so often.

 

\---

 

Donghae looks at them all with wide eyes. "Where is he?" he asks, craning his neck to look past the gathering at the door.

Jungsu shares a stricken look with Heechul, who takes Donghae's arm in a gentle grip, steering him away from the door and towards the couch. The others slowly disappear in to their rooms until only Heechul, Jungsu and Sungmin are left in the living room with Donghae.

 

"Donghae-ah," Heechul starts, sitting Donghae down on the couch beside him and picking up the photo book from under the coffee table, "Here."

 

Donghae looks at the book in his hands and looks up at Heechul in confusion. "Hyung, I don't understand. Where's Hyukjae?"

 

Jungsu sits down on Donghae's other side, Sungmin settling down at their feet on the floor.

 

"Look," Heechul says, nodding at the book and Donghae does, lifting the cover slowly.

 

The first photo is of Donghae and Hyukjae when they were trainees at SM all those years ago. The colour has faded a little but the boys with their bright eyes and smiling faces haven't lost their joy.

 

_Donghae-ah, remember this? It was our first summer together. We've known each other for a long time, love._

 

Donghae looks up at them with surprised eyes. "This is Hyukkie's writing. He made this book?" he asks, confused, "When?"

 

"Keep going, Donghae-ah," Jungsu says softly. But Donghae doesn't. "Is he late because he's got extra work tonight, hyung?" he asks and Sungmin's hand that is wrapped around Jungsu's ankle tightens painfully.

 

"Please, Donghae, keep going," Heechul pleads and hesitantly, Donghae does.

 

It is a photo of the day they were told they would debut together as SJ05. Hyukjae is smiling, all gums and teeth and obviously the brightest thing in the room if the way Donghae is looking at him is any indication.

 

_After Junsu, I was scared I would lose you too. This is one of the happiest days of my life, Donghae-ah, because I knew I'd get to dance with you as much as I want. We were always meant to be together._

 

Donghae touches the photo with tentative fingers. "We looked so strange back then," he laughs, "What am I wearing?"

 

Jungsu smiles at him and wills his tears not to fall, wills himself to endure.

 

"You both look ridiculous!" Heechul comments from the other side, giving Jungsu a moment to compose himself.

 

"Hyungie, I remember your hair, okay!" Donghae laughs and Heechul swipes at him with a laugh, "Yah! My hair was fabulous."

 

Donghae turns the page and it's a photo taken just before one of the SS1 concerts, probably the first one because Hyukjae's hair hasn't looked like that in a very long time. It is a photo of Hyukjae, taken probably by Donghee because Jungsu remembers him carrying a camera around and taking photos of people when they weren't looking. Heechul had threatened to smash it one night, although Jungsu had never found out why.

 

Hyukjae is looking at something, there at the back of the room, barely in frame, with a smile so sweet that Jungsu finds himself in tears. He hears Donghae’s sharp intake of breath. Because they both know who Hyukjae is looking at, knows who had worn that jacket. Jungsu knows Donghae still has it somewhere in the back of his wardrobe because Hyukjae had told him so when Jungsu was helping him make this book. Donghae scrubs at his eyes with a laugh. "I don't even know why I'm…"

 

_You've put up with all my stupid habits, you've loved me even when I hurt you. You have been that one person in my life never to leave my side. Thank you, Donghae-ah, for not letting go._

 

 

Jungsu wraps an arm around Donghae's shoulders and pulls him closer. Donghae leans in to him with a sigh, still scrubbing at his face. Jungsu presses his lips to Donghae's dark hair and pulls Sungmin, who is shaking slightly as he tries not to cry, closer to him with his other hand.

 

"Hyukjae…" Donghae breathes against Jungsu's chest, "Why?"

 

Jungsu reaches over and turns the page.

 

In this one, they're in Hyukjae's room. Hyukjae is sitting on his bed, leaning back against the wall, knees spread wide to accommodate Donghae who is leaning back against his chest. They're both smiling, although their eyes are half lidded with exhaustion. It's after one of the SS4 shows, Jungsu thinks, judging by Hyukjae's platinum blond hair. Hyukjae had told him, when Jungsu was helping him put this book together that they were going to put the photo up on twitter with an utterly Donghae-ish tag like 'goodnight from Eunhae. Sweet dreams everyone' because the fans would have loved it. But Donghae had decided not to. Jungsu had wondered why. Maybe it's the way Hyukjae is leaning his head against Donghae's or that sleepy smile on his face or the way they both just seem so happy just to be sitting there on Hyukjae's bed in this dorm they’ve lived in for so many years, like there is nowhere else they'd rather be.

 

"Hyung … it's Hyukkie's birthday tomorrow…" Donghae says slowly and then turns to him, "Don't tell him I forgot okay? Please! I'll go shopping tomorrow for a present. He'll never let me live it down. He made such a fuss last time…" Donghae trails off, confused and looks at Jungsu again. "Hyung…" Jungsu holds him closer as Donghae's breath hitches, "Hyung, why…?"

 

Jungsu can't hold his tears back anymore and they drop on to Donghae's dark hair and disappear. He feels it the moment Donghae remembers, feels the shock freeze his body, the sound of his harsh breathing and the low, tortured cry that escapes his lips.

 

It has been two years and Donghae has forgotten every single year. The first time they'd come home to find Donghae staying up for Hyukjae had been one of the worst days of Jungsu's life and to relive that, the pain of it like this, to watch Donghae fall apart so completely, Jungsu hates it unbearably and dreads the coming of April with a passion. The doctors had said it would get better, that eventually Donghae would cease to forget but Jungsu doesn't know when that would be or if Donghae would be better off in constant awareness of what had happened. Because in the last two years, the only time Donghae had laughed or smiled brightly was when he had forgotten. And even if it broke Jungsu's heart, he was always glad even for this short moment that Donghae was happy.  Donghae's smile has always been one of Jungsu's favourite things in the world.

 

"It's okay, Donghae-ah," he whispers into Donghae's hair as Heechul wraps his arms around Donghae from the other side.

 

"It was my fault," Donghae gasps into Jungsu's chest, "My fault."

 

Hyukjae was working late that night and Donghae had gone to pick him up.

 

It had been raining all day. The police had told them the car had skidded on the road. There was nothing Donghae could have done.

 

"It wasn't," Jungsu breathes, "It wasn't, love, don't say that."

 

Donghae had spent a week in a coma with serious head trauma and the doctors hadn't known if he would wake up. Jungsu remembers the fear in Hyukjae's eyes, and all his tears and prayers and the how Hyukjae had made them wheel him to Donghae's room, even when one of his legs was broken in three places and his ribs were barely holding his chest together.

 

Between all that waiting, Hyukjae had made the photo book, gotten Jungsu and Sungmin to help gather the photos and insisted on writing the messages himself, even when he could barely hold the pen to paper.

 

He'd thought it was a joke at first when he had gotten the call, some sick anti-fan who Jungsu wanted to hunt down and kill. But he would have preferred the anti-fan to the truth a thousand times if it meant the blood clot never travelled through Hyukjae's body to lodge in his brain and Hyukjae hadn't had a stroke while sleeping by Donghae's bedside.

 

It had been over by the time they had gotten to the hospital. Ryeowook had fainted from the shock and Jungsu knows every single one of them had felt like their world had ended right then. It had been a cruel twist of fate when Donghae had woken two days later with no memory of what had happened and none of them could bear to tell him. It had been the photo book that did it. And Jungsu never, never wants to relive that day again. The way Donghae had screamed, cries echoing down the long hospital corridors, and cried and cried and cried.

He had sat in his wheel chair at the funeral, so still, so pale, so fragile like he would shatter into a million pieces any moment, just staring into the distance as people made their speeches. How Hyukjae had been such a talented dancer, how everyone would miss him, how this young life was so cruelly stolen from the world. It had been almost impossible to stand there and listen to all these people already talking about Hyukjae’s life when they couldn’t even start to talking about him in the past tense. Jungsu had gotten up and talked too but to this day he still doesn't remember a word of it.

He hadn't thought they'd make it out of that, he didn't see how the pain would ease, how Donghae would ever speak again or smile again.

 

To hold Donghae in his arms like this, reliving his heartbreak over again, Jungsu doesn't know how they'll ever get the chance to move on.

Heechul crowds into Donghae from the other side and his knee accidentally knocks the photo book but Sungmin catches it before it hits the ground and snaps it shut.

 

There is only one more photo anyway. The last one of Hyukjae anyone had ever taken, the one that Donghae only dares to look at on his own.

 

Hyukjae in a white silk shirt with a black bowtie and a hastily constructed bouquet of roses courtesy of Ryeowook, sitting on his hospital bed, his broken leg still propped up for support, holding up his right hand, a silver ring sparkling on his ring finger.

Because the last conversation they had, Donghae had proposed.

 

_I would marry you for a thousand lifetimes, Donghae-ah, if you would have me._

 

 

 

 

 

_But the story doesn't end like this. It cannot. So let's rewind three years and change a few things._

_Maybe it didn't rain as much that day. Maybe Donghae drinks just one shot of soju instead of three. Maybe Hyukjae would insist on driving or maybe he wouldn't reach out for Donghae's hand as they turned the corner. Maybe nobody dies and Jungsu never has to make a speech at a funeral._

_And maybe instead of a funeral, there is a wedding._

 

 

 

 

 

Hyukjae stares wide eyed at Donghae who is on one knee and looking up at him with eyes sparkling with joy.

 

"Lee Hyukjae, will you marry me?"

 

The silver ring in the sapphire blue velvet box in Donghae's hand glitters gently at him in the low golden light of the restaurant. Rain is still pouring outside and Hyukjae swears he can hear someone singing 'Marry U' somewhere in the restaurant. He laughs, incredulous and reaches out to touch Donghae's face with tender fingers.

 

"I will." Donghae beams up at him, "Donghae, of course I will marry you."

 

The ring is cool as it slides into his finger. It fits perfectly. He stares at it a little dazzled as Donghae gets back on his feet.

 

"Hyukjae-ah," Donghae says and Hyukjae looks at him. Donghae is so beautiful, it feels like nothing has changed since they had first met all those years ago, both of them skinny kids with hopeful eyes looking forward to a grand future. And Hyukjae knows with so much certainty in his heart that nothing else can compare to this, this moment with this boy he'd been in love with for so long. 

 

"I love you," Donghae says and he is smiling even though there are tears in his eyes. Hyukjae kisses him.

 

Donghae takes his right hand in both of his' when they draw back, fingers running over Hyukjae's ring finger and the lovely ring that has finally settled there.

 

"Your hand looks much better like this," Donghae says with a smile and Hyukjae laughs. He doesn't say that he thinks so too.

 

\---

 

Sungmin watches Hyukjae standing there, waiting. He makes for a dashing figure, the black suit accentuating his tall and thin figure. A very nervous husband-to-be. Sungmin smiles to himself as Hyukjae bounces on his heels, twisting the white rose bouquet in his hands. But then Hyukjae has always had too much energy and never enough things to do to spend it. That’s why Donghae, with his boundless enthusiasm for life, fits so well with him.

Hyukjae meets his eyes and he smiles and there is so much happiness in that smile that Sungmin feels himself tearing up a little. He finds himself feeling almost like a proud parent watching his only son finally getting married to the love of his life. Then Ryeowook at the piano starts to play and all the guests turn. Sungmin sees Hyukjae's eyes fix beyond the sea of guests and widen, sees the lovely smile on his face and knows without a doubt that Hyukjae has forgotten about the rest of the world.

He turns and Jungsu meets his eyes from the other side of the aisle with a proud smile and Sungmin knows he must be feeling the same as Sungmin himself. That these boys, their boys, have traversed such a long and winding road and finally reached the point where no naysayer could ever threaten to force them apart again.

 

Sungmin turns and there is Heechul leading an already teary-eyed Donghae towards his to-be husband. Donghae looks stunning, all that dark hair and pale skin and happiness pouring out of him in waves and engulfing all the guests. Sungmin smiles and decides that some stories have happy endings after all.

 

\---

 

"Hyukjae," Donghae starts and Jungsu can hear the break in his voice even from where he is standing. He tries to discretely brush away a tear that had gathered uninvited at the corner of one eye. Youngwoon catches his hand on its way down and holds it tight, a small smile on his face and eyes fixed on Donghae tearfully trying to get his words out.

 

"From when we first met all those years ago, I've spent more time with you than I have with any single person on the planet. And I never want that to change. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, to always be by your side and grow old with you. I love you Lee Hyukjae, I will love you always."

 

Donghae is clearly crying as he slides the ring on to Hyukjae's finger. Hyukjae looks like he's crying by the end of that speech too. Jungsu looks around and sees everyone wiping at their eyes, even Heechul has his eyes trained on the sky and is blinking rapidly. Youngwoon wraps an arm around him.

 

"We’ve raised them good, haven't we?" he murmurs in Jungsu's ear and Jungsu leans back into him.

 

"We have," he says and turns his head to look at Youngwoon who smiles at him with shining eyes.

 

"I love you, Park Jungsu."

 

Jungsu leans up to kiss him as Hyukjae starts to speak.

 

\---

 

He looks down when he decides it is safe to do so without bursting into tears. Aish! These kids, making him cry like this! He thinks the worst is behind him, he doubts anyone can be a tear jerker like Donghae.

 

"You were the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, Donghae, you were the first person I ever kissed, the first person that I ever said 'I love you' to. You've put up with all of my stupid habits, you've loved me even when I hurt you. You have been that one person in my life never to leave my side. I love you more than I can put in to words. Lee Donghae, I would marry you for a thousand lifetimes if you would have me."

 

He was wrong. It seems Hyukjae has learnt from the master himself. He doesn't try to force it back this time, he was at the threshold anyway, and everyone else is already crying. So Heechul sighs and lets the tears pour down his face as Hyukjae, face shining with tears puts the ring on to Donghae's ring finger, holding Donghae's shaking hand between both of his'.

 

The celebrant announces the couple and there is a big cheer as the newlyweds lean in for their first kiss as official husbands. There is Sungmin brushing back tears and cheering, and Jungsu wrapped up in Youngwoon's arms, beaming at the new couple, and Kyuhyun laughing with Jongwoon at the back and Ryeowook teary eyed beside the piano, Donghee clapping enthusiastically with his lovely wife beside him dabbing at her eyes with a tissue and Siwon smiling at him from the other side of the happily married couple. Heechul sniffs and pats at his face with the handkerchief he had put in his pocket for emergencies. By the time he is satisfied that his face is sufficiently dry, the newlyweds have turned towards their guests, linked hands raised above their heads joining in the cheering with their friends who rush forward to engulf them. Heechul fixes his hair, determined not to behave like a crazy person but then here is Kyuhyun and Jongwoon pulling him towards the celebrations and damn these kids, has he taught them nothing?

 

\---

 

When he wakes up, it is to a pair of clear brown eyes watching him fondly.

 

"Good morning, husband," he says and Donghae smiles so brightly that Hyukjae has to blink a few times to bring himself out of the haze.

 

"Hello, husband," Donghae says cheerily, scooting closer. "Husband," he repeats, wonderingly.

 

Hyukjae laughs. "Are you going to keep doing that?" he asks, leaning closer to kiss his ridiculously gorgeous husband. Donghae nods, smiling happily, pulling Hyukjae's right hand up to his face and playing with the silver band that he himself had slipped on to Hyukjae's ring finger yesterday.

 

"Heechul hyung was crying," Donghae murmurs, twisting the ring around Hyukjae's finger.

 

"So was Jungsu hyung and Sungmin hyung and Ryeowookie… everyone was crying."

 

"Yeah." Donghae looks up and Hyukjae is glad to see him clear eyed. "I'm really the first person you kissed?"

 

"Shut up," Hyukjae splutters, pulling his hand back indignantly. Donghae follows him in. "Really, Hyukjae?"

 

Hyukjae turns his face away, "Not like you didn't know that already," he mutters, failing to fight back the blush he knows must have spread to his ears by now. He half-heartedly tries to push him off when Donghae climbs over him.

 

"Hey, Hyukjae," he says, "Hey, husband." Hyukjae can't help but look at him then.

 

"You were mine too," Donghae says, face serious.

 

"I was your what?" Hyukjae asks, confused. Donghae leans down, hands either side of Hyukjae's face.

 

"First kiss," and swallows Hyukjae's laugh of surprise with a kiss.

 

\---

 

When he was young, he used to dream that when he's older he'd fall in love, that he'd find his soul mate and they'd get married and live happily ever after. Falling in love with Hyukjae had been inevitable and from that first time when he had finally dared to reach out to hold Hyukjae's hand, he's known that this boy with his sweaty palms and skinny arms has to be a part of the rest of his life. Come rain, hail or shine, he is never going let go of Hyukjae’s hand.

 

 

***

**Author's Note:**

> Happy early birthday, Lee Hyukjae.


End file.
